From the Garden to Galilee

For a long time, I have resonated with the story of Jesus’ Agony in the Garden. I was diagnosed with depression around three years ago, and I have been on a daily dose of Sertraline since then. 

Being a Catholic with mental health challenges was not easy at first (and it still is not always simple). Am I not praying fervently enough? Why is it so hard for me to harness the gift of the Holy Spirit – joy? Am I trusting in God enough? 

I have since, mostly, grown out of these anxieties, but in 2023, the station and story that really resonated with me was the Agony in the Garden. 

Jesus feels alone. His friends have all fallen asleep (multiple times) and one of his confidants is on his way to betray him. 

Jesus feels afraid. Despite knowing that God’s will must be completed through him, he asks his Father “If it be possible, let this cup pass from me.” 

Jesus feels sorrow. To contemplate the burden of sin he was about to undertake must have been excruciating. 

In the midst of depression, to see a God who feels the same as you: loneliness, fear and sorrow, is one of the most comforting feelings in the world. There are many other Bible passages that resonate and mean a lot to me, but reflecting on the agony is a deep, personal spiritual practice for me. I can see myself in the story. 

However, after my year of service, there is yet another story I can see myself in. 

After the Triduum and the Resurrection, Jesus chooses to appear to his disciples multiple times, my favorite being depicted in Chapter 21 of John on the Sea of Galilee:

Jesus said to [His apostles], “Children, have you caught anything to eat?” They answered him, “No.” So he said to them, “Cast the net over the right side of the boat and you will find something.” So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in because of the number of fish. So the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord.” …Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you just caught.” So Simon Peter went over and dragged the net ashore full of one hundred fifty-three large fish. Even though there were so many, the net was not torn. Jesus said to them, “Come, have breakfast.” And none of the disciples dared to ask him, “Who are you?” because they realized it was the Lord.

What a beautiful passage. In the simplicity of fish cooked on a beach, I can see myself there with my cohort. 

Because of my year of service, I know perfectly well what it must be like to sit and have a meal with Jesus: I do it everyday. 

He is in David’s laugh. 

He is in Schwalb’s storytelling and Sam’s humor, too. 

He lives in Brigid’s wisdom and Bosch’s humility. 

He even lives in my invitations. 

I can feel Him so vividly through Scripture, the Sacraments, and now, my cohort. 

I still have depression, and I still resonate with the agony. In fact, I thank God for my medication everyday. However, just like during the Triduum, I can see the hope of Easter and the resurrection. I know the joy of the morning! 

I now see myself on the beach of Galilee as well. 

Questions for Reflection: When have you related to Jesus’ Agony in the Garden? When have you shared a moment of fellowship like Jesus and the Apostles on the shore of Galilee?