Editor’s note: As part of FMS’ Lenten blog series, Sam Hardwick, FMS Development and Operations Associate and DC Service Corps member, writes an honest letter to God.  Mirroring Jesus’ time of prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane, Sam expresses trust in God, even as life seems “murky” and the path forward is unclear.

Dear God,

Thank you for the moments where I have seen You clearly, the moments where I have seen myself clearly and for the moments where I have seen others clearly. Those are the moments that we must live for because it is in seeing You that our lives are fulfilled.

But right now, I’m not in a moment of clarity. In fact, life seems pretty murky. I don’t know what my next move is. I can’t figure out what your will is for me. I desire to do what you want but I just can’t figure out where you are leading me.

The hardest part, Lord, has been that I thought I knew where you were leading me. It seemed to me that I was doing what you were asking of me. But I feel like I was wrong and it seems so hard to find out what You are calling to me to do now. I feel doubt in being able to hear you at all.

But, I know that it can’t be true. You will always make Yourself clear. Perhaps not in the way that I think You will but revealed nonetheless. Patience and trust in You will lead to what will be good. Help me to do this.

I pray for the grace of wisdom to see Your hand in my life. I hope that the desire to do Your Will is good enough. I pray that you make my gifts known to me so that I may use them to serve you.

God, if nothing else, help me to know that even if I feel alone, You are still with me, guiding me always, loving me perfectly, and hoping to make Yourself clear to me, if I would just open my heart fully to You.

Amen.

Author’s note:

I wrote this after I found out I was going to have to wait at least a year before I could enter religious life. It was hard to come to terms with that because I felt a desire to enter as soon as I could. But since then I have come to a better conclusion, after sound advice from others, that instead of seeing this as a failure to hear God’s call, this can be a way for me to spend more time asking for God’s guidance. I still wanted to share these thoughts in the hope that if you feel like life has become murky and unclear, that asking for God’s help in clearing the murkiness away will help.