Editor’s note: FMS missioner Sabrina reflects on vulnerability, friendship, and accompaniment. 

I have always struggled with holding in and suppressing my emotions. I tell myself that I am just a very logical, level-headed person–one that doesn’t have emotions. It’s hard for me to express myself or admit what’s going on inside me. Most of the time I don’t actually know how I feel because I’ve spent so much time being scared of emotions and not wanting to seem weak. 

I am starting to realize that I do have emotions, and that they should be honored. Maybe, if I could better practice vulnerability with myself and others, life wouldn’t have to come to a screeching halt every few months while I realize that I didn’t let all that has happened to me truly sink in. 

In the past, as I began to recognize my emotions, instead of honoring them, I would analyze them and try to explain them away. I thought this was better than holding it all in. However, slowly but surely, I am beginning to understand that I don’t need a reason for my various emotions. They are valid just because I am feeling them. 

As someone who prides herself in being a strong person in all aspects of her life, being gentle with myself has been an immense struggle, and I think it will be an uphill battle for the entirety of my life. Luckily, I am blessed to be accompanied by so many caring people (have I mentioned that I have been accompanied by people far more than I have accompanied others here in Bolivia?), and I have been getting better because my friends and FMS communities help me immensely. They ask me how I am and don’t quit until I tell them the truth. May we all be blessed with friends like mine. 

I’ll just leave this song here:

Tough

Quinn XCII

Maybe it’s ’cause your mom never kissed you

If you ever cried, you’d wipe with muscle tissue

You bench pressing more than me’s not the issue

I know you’re actually weaker than that

Let’s hope that nothing get deeper than that

Like why, why are you only vulnerable when no-one’s around?

Your gym membership is not a crown

You’re not so tough

I know that nightlight’s on when you sleep

You’re not so tough

Yeah, you watch Eat Pray Love on repeat

And I’m sure you’d win in an altercation

But you’re still insecure to me

Oh, so mess me up

I know you’re not so tough

Are you insecure that the steroids are causing hair loss?

That your Lulu shorts don’t quite vibe with your camo AirPods

And if I ran into you past sunset, I’d probably be scared, oh

I know you’re honestly weaker than that

I bet you know that you need to relax

And I don’t mean to come at you like it’s Watergate

My pale ghostly body’s purely water-weight

Yeah, I should probably substitute what is on my plate

But I still acknowledge those feelings inside

Let’s work on your habit to run or to hide

Like why, why are you only vulnerable when no-one’s around?

Your gym membership is not a crown

You’re not so tough

I know that nightlight’s on when you sleep

You’re not so tough

Yeah, you watch Eat Pray Love on repeat

And I’m sure you’d win in an altercation

But you’re still insecure to me

Oh, so mess me up

I know you’re not so tough

You’re not so tough

You’re not

You’re not so tough

You’re not

You’re not so tough

You’re not

You’re not so tough

You’re not

You’re not so tough

I know that nightlight’s on when you sleep

You’re not so tough

Yeah, you watch Eat Pray Love on repeat

And I’m sure you’d win in an altercation

But you’re still insecure to me

Oh, so mess me up

I know you’re not so tough

Reflection: How have you been vulnerable lately? What changes have you noticed because of it?